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10 comments

  1. Hi designed thinking!

    I have been struggling with ocd of suicide obsessions for several months now. I am not suicidal. I fear it very much and it distresses me throughout the day. Do you have any expierience in this field?

    • I assuming you are asking if we have dealt directly with suicidal obsessions and not just OCD. Over the years we have talked to people who have obsessed on virtually any topic you can think of. The topic itself is not the issue, since the mind of people suffering with OCD quite often changes topic and the old subject matter is no longer relevant.
      People tend to know of contamination, checking, hoarding and a few other types of obsessions. These are easy to show in movies and TV programs, but they are where most people get stuck
      At Designed Thinking we focus on how the nervous syste, structures obsession and how they can be released, so yes we have experience with OCD (lots of it). On suicidal thoughts not so much and from our perspective, the thoughts you are stuck on are just what you are aware of, they are not root of your discomfort

  2. I have escaped domestic violence to a dv shelter 10 months ago. a few nighr ago, i had
    a nightmare that my abuser killed me. The next day i had a panic attack, and i
    had anxiety all day. I was very surprised sinced so much time had past. When
    does this stop, and how do i deal with the real fear of my dangerous abuser?

    • Ten months may not a lot of time. It depends on how long you endured the violence and the intensity of it. There is no time limit the unconscious mind puts on processing stressful events. It has more to do with your ability to process it at the emotional level.
      There are no quick and simple answers here because every person is effected differently as to how to stop. If you have left the abuser and are no longer in contact with him, then the fear is one the subconscious mind is playing back to you. If you still interact with the abuser, then it is a real fear. Either way, you want to find a counselor to work with who can help you sort this out

  3. Hello, I would like to ask you something that has been for a while on my mind. Does yelling represent an emotional violence? My partner is usually very kind and gentle, it’s just in a quarrel that he becomes nervous (easilly aroused and impulsive); then he shouts at me (even if I speak to him in a calm voice), and says not nice things to me (that I`m a bad person, a lier, or even something worse). In a fight, he usually says that I should go and leave him (for good). Afterwards he is sorry and is nice and gentle again. I am very confused since I don’t understand should I take the words he tells me in a fight seriously or not? The problem is he gets easilly nervous and agitated. So please, should I worry and should I consider this kind of behaviour an emotional violence, or not? Many thanks.

    • It is sometimes difficult to wrap our heads around the complexity of people. None of us are the same all the time and certain frames of mind bring up different sides of a person. For those people who are fairly integrated, these shifts will be minimal most of the time. But for other people, they have parts of them that feel victimized, immature, helpless, out of control, etc. They are part of the persons make up. Can they change? Sure. Will they? Well that depends if they see these sides of themselves as problematic and if they are willing to work on making changes.
      Yelling in and of itself is not neccessarily abusive, but and in calling names, you start pushing against what is acceptable and not. If your partners emotional spurts have begun becoming more frequent or start becoming more intense, then you should worry. His emotional issues would need to be addressed.
      It’s nice that he apologizes, but that does not really make up for the strain it puts on you when you are going through it. If it continues, ask if he would get some help. If he refuses or just keeps putting it off, you may need to reevaluate the relationship

  4. Hi Michael and everyone, I’ve written earlier already, on yelling and name-calling. I just have two precise questions, if you would be so kind to answer it so that I could see more clearly: does pushing represents violence? My partner pushed me (only slightly I should add) 3 times in 5 months; it occurred generally in a fight, when he was upset. I’m just not sure whether it is all right when this occurs sometimes or not (he never pushed me so hard to hurt me). Another issue is related to him being angry when I have opposed opinion to his (last time it was world politics, and he got angry with me for thinking what I think, left the room and said he didn’t want to speak to me anymore). He usually gets calm again soon, nice, gentle and kind as he most of the time is, which makes me confused and not knowing what to think of him really. Does this represents something I should worry about (pushing and not tollerating my opinion)? Thanks a lot for your precious help!

    • You partner does not know how to control his emotions. He reacts when things don’t go his way, how he wants or his expectations are not met. People tend not to like opposition, that is everyone’s right, we are all entitled to see the world however we do. However, trying to force others to think differently or to use physical force to get them to stop how they are begins crossing boundaries.
      Your partner is using force (pushing you) because he can’t accept your point of view, your ideas, your way of being at the moment. He cannot process the differences between his wants and how you are at the moment effectively and this can be a really big problem that will probably escalate over time.
      These actions should not be tolerated by anyone, including you. Nor does he have the right to tell you how to think. Most people do not control their thought processes and if you ask people why they think how they do, most people really do not know. At best they will have some vague idea. Even science does not really understand the complexity of how the mind creates the thoughts it does and even if they did, the one thing you are entitled to is your thoughts. You can think what you want, how you want; when you want. That is your private domain.
      Your partner is controlling of others because he is not in control of himself. If your partner cannot see and admit he has some issues and is not willing to get help, you need to see your partner as having issues that will only make you feel miserable and you should consider how you are going to move on with your life

  5. Hi Michael.My partner has been telling me it’s over throughout last months (usually when he’s enraged), then again he would take his words back and so on for months. Is it emotional abuse? Should I just take it seriously and leave the appartment? His bottom line is that he cannot tolerate my criticism and questioning him, so maybe you are right about controlling issues he might have. I feel desperate since by doing so, he embarked me on a cycle and I cannot handle it (telling me to leave-then telling me to stay). He is also very enraged at those moments which makes it difficult for me because I can literaly feel his excessive outbirsts of negativity and even hatred – all directed at me. Please help me to see more clearly. Thanks a lot

    • You already know the answer as to what you need to do, you just don’t wamt to it. If you can’t take the situation you are in, either you do something about it, change what you want or leave. There are many dynamics at play here and whether or not this relationship can be salvaged probably would require some additional questioning. My guess is, it would be a lot of work with both of you participating and even then, your discription makes it sound bleak. If you feel you can’t take his outbursts, then changing how you feel about this is not the answer. All that is left is leaving and moving on with your life.
      On your end, you may want to see if you are actually being critical of him. Maybe he is just overly sensitive, then again, maybe you might be able to change how you communicate, just for the sake of future relationships. Relationships are never right, they are an ongoing exchange of thought, feeling and energy both people have responsibility in. You always have a choice in every relationship. The problem is we don’t always like the choices we have in front of us

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